Thursday, May 31, 2018

Go Commando!


I’m going commando today.

Last week, on the five-year anniversary of my excisional biopsy, I announced I’d lost my Big Girl Panties and was on the verge of an ugly cry.

Today marks the five-year cancerversary of my diagnosis. I’ve already had one cry. It wasn’t ugly. It was actually kind of beautiful. I’m happy, I’m sad. I’m hopeful, I’m anxious. I’m mostly all of these things on a regular basis but

So how do you recover after you announce to the world that you lost your big girl panties?
You have that big ugly cry.
You compartmentalize the day to day from the big picture.
You take some time to center yourself.
You read the messages of support and love, many from people you’ve never even met but who have experienced similar “lost panties” moments.
And then you announce to the world that “Going Commando” is the BEST. ADVICE. EVER.

Actually, I don’t know how YOU recover, but that’s how I’m getting back in the game.

I am now on my way to the world’s largest oncology conference feeling a complete sense of gratitude, empowerment and excitement. Basically I am feeling the EXACT opposite of how I felt just over a week ago.

My actual “diagnosis cancerversary” involved some tears. Some quiet acknowledgement. A LOT of outside walks. And, perhaps the most healing, speaking with those who are smack dab in the middle of their own $hitty cancer experience.

I mentioned before that the best advice I’d gotten when I exposed all my vulnerabilities was to go without the constraint of feeling like you had to have it all put together.

While that was certainly the most humorous and the phrase I’ve repeated to myself multiple times a day for a giggle and a reminder, the truly best advice was from a woman I’ve never met, “Treat yourself as you would one of us.”

And yep, I’m on the verge of tears as I type those words. (It’s gonna be a long month evidently)
The truth is I walk around explaining that we all just want to be seen, heard and held. I just forget sometime that it’s okay to just let others hold you. 

The best gift I received? Acceptance. 

Most days?
Onward and Upward.
To Infinity and Beyond.

But some days?
Go Commando.
Just Get To Tomorrow.

And everyday “Treat yourself as you would one of us.”