Big Girl Panties and an Ugly Cry

I lost my big girl panties and I’m on the verge of an ugly cry.

For whatever reason, I am struggling and have been struggling for the past few weeks. 

May is the start of my “cancerversary” season.

In other words, the “For whatever reason” is really “Because of effing cancer.”

And I have a hard time saying this out loud. Because this season marks five years and popular opinion is that this should be a veritable celebration of achieving ‘good statistic status’.

But, let’s be honest, cancer is as much a mindf%#k as well as a physiological disease.

Today marks five years since my first excisional biopsy. A big thing that became a small thing that is now part of a huge thing that I’m still trying to integrate into my life.

Today is one of the first of many babysteps that will land me square in the FIVE-YEAR CANCER SURVIVOR club.

I thought I’d processed the handling of this milestone already.

I thought I was ready to take my deep breath; acknowledge my fear and pain; acknowledge the forever guilt in dragging my family into the world of cancer; acknowledge my attempts of turning a crap diagnosis into a meaningful path forward.

I really thought I was ready to nod my head at this series of days and weeks and then proceed in a way that celebrates the beauty of each day and also respects that every day in good health is a gift not afforded to all people.

I am so NOT ready for that today.

I’m pent up and nervous about my own future health. I’m riddled with guilt over not being able to keep my neuroses to myself. I’m sick in my gut watching the suffering and premature demise of others not so fortunate as myself. And I’m angry with myself for not making the absolute most of every day.

I don’t need anyone to fix this for me. I don’t need anyone to blow perfume up my arse. 

I think I just need to acknowledge that, despite my current good health, remembering this date five years ago makes me sad and scared and angry.

Typing relaxes all my muscles and now that ugly cry is spilling out onto my keyboard.

When I’ve wiped everything down I’ll start looking for those big girl panties. 

Or, maybe, I just won’t wear any today.