Despondent. And devastated.
Tomorrow I may be angry but right now I feel just those.
Some twenty souls were gunned down today, many of them children. Children in school.
School should be a safe place. School should be a place kids WANT to go. Not a place they fear.
And as I scour twitter, BBC, CNN for news that makes me more and more heartsick, I chide myself.
"Why? Why are you watching? What does this accomplish beyond making you hurt and hurt and worry and worry?"
The sage answer I have finally come to is, "Nothing. Watching, reading, accomplishes nothing but exacerbating hurt and worry right now."
What I'm really looking for are answers. Answers to the questions, "How could this happen? Why would this happen? Who would make this happen?"
But those answers will never come. Not really.
People will speculate. Perhaps they'll discuss a disgruntled employee, a mentally ill member of the community, someone who just snapped, an evil person, a person who the system failed.
We will never really know. And, if we could really know, would that make it better?
Would it bring back life to those who are now lifeless?
Would it erase whatever minutes of terror adults and children alike witnessed and will carry for a lifetime?
Will it make us understand?
No, it will not.
Really, I think I want the answers so that I can do everything in my power to make this NOT happen again. To protect my children, to protect your children.
A stronger community, a tighter bond with others? Helping people care about people and things that may live beyond the ends of their own driveways but definitely affect the larger environment that all of our children will be a part of one day.
And as I try to focus on work, on home, on something that will convince me that there is hope for humanity, I peek back at the Twitterverse and watch the argument over gun control ensue.
And think, "This is effin' ridiculous."
Maybe this is all about gun control. But maybe it's not. Either way, now is NOT the time to bicker dammit. Now is the time to come together. Now is the time to hug your children, your neighbors children, your neighbor, the stranger across the street regardless of their political affiliation or hot topic stance.
Ultimately, we are all part of the same community. We should really start to act like it.