Day 2 on Day 3 of 2023: No Lessons Here, Just Observations

 

Just now I tried to write directly into the blogosphere and realized that typing into that medium fills me with digital stage fright. While I know my plan is to post this missive, regardless of what comes out, I feel much more comfortable blabbering on in a simple, empty, title less MS Word document.

When I consider how odd that is, it feels like a little Jedi mind trick that I play on myself. And it makes me curious as to how many other mind tricks I play, consciously or unconsciously, on myself. Bubbling up in the tricks department is my habit of boxing in my sadness or grief or anger by reminding myself that life is actually amazing. And, while this is not untrue, because life IS actually amazing, the ‘perspective shift’ game I play with myself likely creates a false impression with others that I am an insanely always positive person.

I am not.

I get sad. I get overwhelmed. I feel defeated. I feel despair.

However, unless you are one of a handful of people in my life that I trust implicitly, and feel is well suited to holding me as a burden for a bit, you won’t see that part of me. Even if I trust you implicitly, you may not see those emotions from me.

Honestly, I’m a total hypocrite in the emotions department. I regularly tell people that they should allow themselves to ‘feel all the feels’ but I tend to limit myself to the socially acceptable public feels. Perhaps I need to work on this. Perhaps I don’t exactly know how.

Since it’s a new year, perhaps I could add that to my list of intentions for 2023.

But I’m not going to hold myself to that level of personal re-education on day 3 of the new year. Instead, I’m going to chalk it up as an observation and be kind of proud of myself that I said it out loud. I own that behavior. Maybe if I own it, I can change it?

Perhaps, I’ll pressure test feeling all the feels a few times and see what happens. Or perhaps I’ll just think a little bit about why I’m so averse to giving myself that permission.

There is no lesson here. Not now anyway. But I’ve ‘written words’ two days in a row and I’m gonna allow myself to feel all kinds of proud of me for that today.