Just now I tried to write directly into the blogosphere and
realized that typing into that medium fills me with digital stage fright. While
I know my plan is to post this missive, regardless of what comes out, I feel
much more comfortable blabbering on in a simple, empty, title less MS Word
document.
When I consider how odd that is, it feels like a little Jedi
mind trick that I play on myself. And it makes me curious as to how many other
mind tricks I play, consciously or unconsciously, on myself. Bubbling up in the
tricks department is my habit of boxing in my sadness or grief or anger by
reminding myself that life is actually amazing. And, while this is not untrue, because
life IS actually amazing, the ‘perspective shift’ game I play with myself likely
creates a false impression with others that I am an insanely always positive
person.
I am not.
I get sad. I get overwhelmed. I feel defeated. I feel despair.
However, unless you are one of a handful of people in my
life that I trust implicitly, and feel is well suited to holding me as a burden
for a bit, you won’t see that part of me. Even if I trust you implicitly, you
may not see those emotions from me.
Honestly, I’m a total hypocrite in the emotions department.
I regularly tell people that they should allow themselves to ‘feel all the
feels’ but I tend to limit myself to the socially acceptable public feels. Perhaps
I need to work on this. Perhaps I don’t exactly know how.
Since it’s a new year, perhaps I could add that to my list
of intentions for 2023.
But I’m not going to hold myself to that level of personal
re-education on day 3 of the new year. Instead, I’m going to chalk it up as an observation and be kind of proud
of myself that I said it out loud. I own that behavior. Maybe if I own it, I can change it?
Perhaps, I’ll pressure test feeling all the feels a few
times and see what happens. Or perhaps I’ll just think a little bit about why I’m
so averse to giving myself that permission.
There is no lesson here. Not now anyway. But I’ve ‘written words’ two days in a row and I’m gonna allow myself to feel all kinds of proud of me for that today.
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